Filling My Horn with Oil...

I'm guessing everyone reading this blog already knows about our plans to sell our house, move to Kentucky, move in with Mace's parents, get a job there, and Mace will start med school. Not everyone? Well, I guess you do now! We were presented with the offer by Dave and Karen (Mace's mom and step-dad) in November, and are so grateful to them for opening up, not only their home, but their lives to help us get a "fresh start!" We did not make the decision to make this move lightly, but we made it quickly. Like, in a few hours, quickly. It didn't take long for us to know this is the direction God is leading our family in, and I am supporting Mace's desires (that he feels are in sync with what God wants) for our family 100%. Our house is on the market, we are anxious and excited about moving, and can't wait to get our house sold and just get things rolling.

BUT. And that's a big but. It's a huge move...and not just literally. I have always made it very clear to Mace that I love being close to my family. How much do I love it? How much does making a trip to the Middle East while 6.5 months pregnant, sound? ;) Most of my family lives within a little over an hour's drive of us...you know, except for the across-the-ocean ones. I've been spoiled by that. I always wanted to have at least 5 years having a baby to be a day trip away from my family. Those were the rules. But God said, "go," so I'm going. Right after we made the decision to make this move, I was pumped. We're talking, "let's sell our house and move in six weeks," pumped! I think my enthusiasm and excitement for Mace to get to do what he's always wanted (to be a doctor) was masking my anxiety and grief over leaving my friends and my family. Speaking of friends, I don't make those easily. And I don't have many close ones (don't need many when you choose only the best!). Kentucky is also a really LONG way away from my friends. I guess it doesn't make much of a "distance difference" with our friends Harrison and Lindsay, but I digress. The longer it's taking to sell our house in this oh, so booming real estate market, the more my negative, but very real, emotions are creeping out.

I have really, really struggled the last week with the realization that my best friends, some of whom are my sisters, will be way out of arms reach, possibly very soon. Right now, we just have a little traffic and life that gets in the way of seeing each other, but not 7 hours. Last week, I got to hold my sister's first baby, beautiful Steven. And that night, I wept thinking about how far away I will be. And how alone. I know that God is sending us, and God is with us, but the friendships that have taken years to form, will be left behind(although they will not be lost, as we will SURELY be keeping in touch). I won't be able to call my mom to come up for a quick visit. As I'm typing this, I think about my friends who live much farther from their friends and families than we will be, but the pain of being "out of reach" is real no matter how far away you are from what feels like home.

My in-laws are amazing people. I love them, and like them oh, SO much. They are fabulous in-laws to have! Mace and I love spending time with them, and have really missed them the past few years that they've been away. Ace loves them too, and has so much fun with them. They are so respectful of our space and our time, and have been real rocks for us during this frustrating time of ups and downs in the car business and other things. I mean, we REALLY think they're the best (they're letting us live with them, wouldn't you think so?!)!! So they're wonderful, the best, and all of that being said, I'll say this with complete love and respect (Dave and Karen I know you read this. And I think you can empathize with me on this, because, like I said, you're amazing like that!!) - they're still Mace's parents and my in-laws. After living our lives, on our own, in our own house, for several years, it'd be hard for a single individual to move back in with their parents, no matter how perfect (and you guys get pretty darn close) their parents are, much less a married couple, with a baby!! Details about the next however-many-years of our lives are starting to stress me out...and things like how much family time (the three of us) are we really going to have with Mace working and going to school? Is it really worth it? God, isn't there another way to do this? I even told Mace this week that I just didn't want to move anymore. At all. Which, of course, doesn't change our path, the reality of our future and our situation is just sinking in at 100 mph and it isn't sitting well with me. So, lately I have been praying about our future, a LOT. What's it going to look like, God? How long until we get started? How long will it take? Can we do it another way? Please? I've been feeling very un-submissive to what God's got in store, to say the least.

Tonight, I was flipping through my favorite "old" bible of mine, looking at papers and pictures I had stashed in the pages, when I came across a strip of paper, presumably from a Wednesday night youth group activity, with I Samuel 16:1-13 written on its front. It was nestled between the pages of I Samuel 16 and 17, so I took a gander, thinking it would jog my memory about why it was in my bible. The passage is about Samuel anointing David as God's chosen one to be the next king of Israel. The first verse jumped out at me:

¹ "The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king."

I froze...literally, couldn't move. My mind was racing (I know, you're not getting how this all ties together, but bear with me). I read over the first sentence again, and instead of "Saul," and "king over Israel," here's what I saw and heard - "How long will you mourn for Atlanta, since I have rejected it as the place for you to live?" My heart was overflowing. I have been grieving the loss of my home, friends, family, and what's familiar here. It's holding me back. Not that the condition of my heart is keeping us from getting any interest in our house, but then again, who am I to say it isn't? I felt at peace as I read on, to, "Fill your horn with oil and be on your way." I know my mournful feelings have been discouraging to Mace, even though I still try to reassure him that I am going to support him. But this is what God is telling us to do, telling me to do, and I need to be "in" it. Not dwelling on what's [going to be] lost, but looking to, and preparing for what's next. I need to be preparing myself for the journey ahead, for the tasks ahead. I'm not saying this is what the story's purpose is in the bible, but that phrase really hit home tonight. If you've made it this far in the post ;), what are you mourning for?

"Fill your horn with oil and be on your way."