Home (Alternately titled, "This May be a Long One")

This world is not my home. I've been saying, for the past 4 or so months, that I've been living in a constant "this world is not my home" state of mind. I long to really be home, to see the face of my Savior. To really be in His Presence. I truly ache to be where I will spend eternity with Jehovah-Rophe - "the one who heals" (healing all levels of man's being; implies complete - physical, emotional, and spiritual healing).

I've lived with OCD for as long as I can remember (a painfully long time!), but there have been times, throughout my life, when my anxiety is overwhelming. Several months ago, something triggered a paralyzing cycle of anxiety for me. I began taking medication (a very low dose) to help with the anxiety in May and finally saw a psychiatrist (FABULOUS!) in early June. I went from about five (literally) panic attacks a day and an absolute miserable homelife for my husband and son, to going at least 5 days without even a hint of a panic attack and such peace in my marriage and at home. And believe me, I've had PLENTY to panic attack about lately! Thank you, zoloft! March-late June were literally some of the most excruciating months of my life. And I promise you, they were long...I lived second-to-second. I am so grateful to have an amazing, supportive best friend in my husband. He has put up with so much through the years. I only wish he had stood up for himself sooner. But I praise God that my wonderful sister in-law and brother are bold enough and love me enough to intervene and encourage Mace to demand that we really get me some help, and to encourage me to put my well-being in the hands of a professional. My psychiatrist is wonderful, and treatment has been harder than hoped, but easier than I thought!

Even though I am getting better - still not there, but we're leaps and bounds ahead of where we thought we'd be going into this, I am still reminded on a daily basis how far from Home I am. And I'm grateful that this "little" bump in the road has reminded me not to become too attached to things in this world. Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband and precious son. I can't imagine loving any human being more. My family and friends are wonderful. But this trial has put a lot into perspective for me. And just in time.

At the end of June, after exploring every option with our house (selling, renting, etc) we made the decision to file for chapter 7 bankruptcy. Yuck. Something we never in a million years would've imagined we would be doing. The process has been emotional and exhausting, but has brought Mace and me closer than ever. We have never been so resolute. I adore that man more than I ever thought was possible. I am so proud of him. I wish that there wasn't such negativity associated with bankruptcy...most of which is based on misconceptions. We made some financial mistakes, but the odds have been anything but in our favor for a long time. This is proving to be humiliating and such a huge relief, and we're moving forward wiser and more humble, for sure. At this point, everyone involved agrees that this is our only feasible option if we're going to make the move anytime soon...and we need to. So...we're moving to Lexington, Kentucky on August 2nd! Please excuse me while I go hurl* and find the xanax.** Seriously, though, I have become so much less attached to Atlanta as of late, and less attached to some material possessions that have, in the past, made me feel "at home." So, my temporary home is moving locations...and looking forward to my eternal home, I am filled with anticipation for what the future holds!

I will miss my friends and family immensely, but I really am stoked about moving! I LOVE Lexington...it's beautiful! I am actually really excited about living with my in-laws, too! Ace has really started to form a relationship with them and will I know love getting to spend so much time with them! Mace will be working and taking some pre-reqs to catch up while he gets some time under his belt for in-state tution. We are so ready and feel such indescribable peace about this all. Thanks so much for the love, prayers, support, and encouragement you all have given us during this at times painful process!



*gross exaggeration
**I told you I had plenty to panic about! BUT, I actually haven't taken a xanax in over a week! :)