fight, fall, rest.

the odd solace in the swell of the sound machine is pierced by his wailing, and I cry along with him.  his cries pierce my heart and my arms ache to hold him, to calm his fears and soothe him into a peaceful sleep.  in his screaming, he is pleading, begging me to take him into my arms, to "rescue him," from the fear and frustration he feels.  "everything you are, and everything he knows says you love him," Mace says.  i am wracked with fear that in this he'll choose to pull away from me...but Mace is right - our babe knows that i love him. 

every breath, he breathes in my love and devotion and protection and adoration.  he feels it in my embrace, drinks it up in our smiles and laughter.  i know that he knows...but still, "cry it out" never gets easier.  sure, I could swoop in and save the day night, whip out a boob to appease him, and rock him to sleep.  but it would not help him grow and be confident in who he is...even, in who i am.  he won't truly rest until he works out the ability to go to sleep on his own.  it's excruciating for me to allow or even force him to work it out on his own.  but I know it's for his best...for my best, and everyone's. 

we didn't make him to puppet him, his daddy and me.  we made him out of love for each other...wanting our love and our joy to multiply and share it with the world.  if he's going to experience growth, he has to surrender to this process.  to trust that mommy and daddy know best, and that he is safe, and that we love him.  sometimes he will fight and scream...for hours at a time.  other times, he may babble it out, or explore his surroundings...taking comfort in what we've given him to assist in developing this self-soothing, put-your-own-self-to-sleep skill.  it's essential and necessary, even as it is painful and exhausting.  but as he grows, each sleep will become easier, as he accesses the abilities he has worked out...with our support, our confidence in him, our protection, and without our literal force. 

we facilitated the growth...the decision to grow is up to him.  it's hard to let him go through this...but he will be better for it and it will strengthen him at his core and we will all be restored as a result. we've given him all that he needs to conquer this - a soothing and calming warm bath, a lot of snuggles, a full belly, and his special blankie and binkies. we've reassured him of our love and adoration...telling him he's brave and loved and wanted and safe. he's got everything he could need, now's it's up to him to recognize their presence, to take hold of those things, and decide to grow.  it may not be the way he wanted to grow, but we know it's what's best for him, for the circumstances...it's best for reinforcing our love for him and his confidence in us. 

it's a crucial exercise in trust, this sleep training bit.  and it reminds me a lot of how Jesus loves us...and how intensely we may fight the processes of growth and healing.  i imagine our cries for rescue rip His heart in two.  but even though we fail to feel or realize it, He's here...and He's given us everything and everyone we need to grow, heal, and move on.  it's up to us to recognize the skills and resources available through Him.  we fight Him, His process, and His power...and when we surrender, we will fall asleep grow, and then we find rest.  oh, how Jesus loves us.  so much more than we could ever love our boys...I am so thankful.

rest